


i am tired (i am yours)

by murdershegoat



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, F/F, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21582598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdershegoat/pseuds/murdershegoat
Summary: “All you blood purists are the same,” Kara said, her voice dripping with loathing. “You don’t think anybody other than inbred, racist, assholes deserve to use magic, and---”“You don’t know anything about me,” Lena finally threw back, straightening in her chair. “You don’t know me, you don’t understand me, and you have no idea how wrong you are.”///Kara finds herself having to help her arch nemesis and fellow Ravenclaw, Lena Luthor. And then things get weird.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 56
Kudos: 466





	i am tired (i am yours)

**Author's Note:**

> mostly unbeta'd and yes the title is from party of one by ms carlile.
> 
> pls dont yell at me about their houses this is just how i hc them.

Kara was the last one in the Ravenclaw common room. It didn’t happen often, usually a gaggle of overstressed seventh years were huddled around the tables doing revision or a third year trying to prove themselves by staying up late, bleary eyed and yawning.

But not that evening. Kara had commandeered her favourite lounge chair right beside the bookcase and charmed some non-drip candles to hover above the book she was reading in the rare peace and quiet. It was a muggle book called Pride and Prejudice given to her by Lucy as a birthday present, and it was one of the best, most infuriating books she’d ever read. Why was it taking so long for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy to realise they love each other? Why couldn’t they just figure everything out already? 

The door to the common room opened with a bang, and Kara’s head snapped up all too quickly in surprise, pulling away from the magic of her book.

Ugh. It was just Lena Luthor. 

Rolling her eyes, she looked back down at the page. Lena Luthor had been Kara’s arch nemesis ever since they arrived at Hogwarts almost six years ago. Her father, Lionel, had died in Azkaban halfway through their second year, a Death Eater who had been arrested after the Second Wizarding War. Her mother, Lillian was infamous for managing to weasel her way out of getting sent to Azkaban, and her brother Lex was known for his loud conservative voice as a Ministry employee. Lena, everyone knew, was cut from the same cloth as her family. And Kara could never be friends with somebody like that.

Lena, however, didn’t throw the snarky comment or insult that Kara was anticipating, which was very unlike her. Kara snuck a glance at Lena, who was trying to ease herself into a chair on the other side of the room. Kara frowned. Lena looked a lot paler than she usually did, and she usually looked paler than The Grey Lady.

“Let me guess, Luthor,” said Kara as she closed the book in her lap, deciding to break the silence. “Been in the library all night because you know my Defence Against the Dark Arts essay is gonna be loads better than yours?”

Lena didn’t answer, instead wincing as she leant back in the chair. Kara scoffed; was she too good to stoop to Kara’s level now? Kara stood up and started towards the girls’ dormitory, her candles following her.

“What,” she said as she approached Lena, “did you get into a fight with a book in the restricted section?” But on closer inspection, she could see blood seeping through Lena’s white shirt, staining her hands as she held onto her midsection for dear life.

“Merlin’s pants,” Kara said, crouching beside her. Sure, they were enemies, but Kara wasn’t a monster. “What the hell happened to you??”

“None of your damn business, Danvers,” Lena replied in a pained voice. “Just go to bed.” Ah, there was the Lena that Kara knew and resented.

“You’ve got to go and see Madam Pomfrey,” Kara said, hesitating for just a moment, before pressing her own hands against Lena’s abdomen, trying to stop the flow of blood.

“Get off me,” Lena said weakly, no venom in her voice, no fight. “I’ll be fine. I’m not going to Madam Pomfrey.”

“But--”

“I’m not. If I go-” she tried to take a breath, but the shallow hitch of air worried Kara even more. “I’m not-- I’m not going to the hospital wing.”

“Well then what the bloody hell am I supposed to do?”

Lena glared at her. “I told you. Go to bed.”

“I might hate your guts, but I’m not leaving you here to bleed out in the common room,” Kara retorted. Unsure of what else to do, she sighed, realising her only option.

“Kreacher?” she called out, and in an instant, with a very loud  _ crack _ , a house elf appeared next to them. He was unfathomably old, hunched over and wrinkled, and he wore a large gold locket around his neck.

“Hello, Miss Kara,” he greeted as he saw her. Kara smiled down at him, ignoring the way Lena very visibly recoiled from him.

“Kreacher,” Kara said, “Luthor’s injured, but she refuses to go to Madam Pomfrey. Can you help? Can you fix her?”

“There are other elves who are better at this magic than I,” he croaked. “I can apparate you down to the kitchen if you’d like.”

“You can’t apparate in or out of Hogwarts, everybody knows that,” Lena managed to say, despite the pain she was in. Know-it-all git.

“House elf magic is different,” Kara explained somewhat impatiently, because of course a Luthor wouldn’t understand that non-human magic could be different and more powerful in some ways.  _ Doesn’t Lena realise she’s bleeding to death?  _

She helped Lena back to her feet, concerned over how unsteady she was, and how much of her weight Kara seemed to be supporting. Kreacher held out his hand, and took Lena’s arm, and yet again, she recoiled. Kara felt anger rise quickly in her chest. A moment later Kara found herself landing in the Hogwarts kitchen, trying to keep both herself and Lena upright.

“Kara!” rang out as a chorus from the dozens of house elves rushing forward to greet them.

“‘Lo, Blinky,” Kara replied. “Dottie. Lottie. Dorris. Topsy. Whisko. Where’s Furby? Oh there he is! Hey Furby.”

“Kara,” gasped Lena, “maybe this isn’t the best time for a reunion.”

“Right.” She turned to Kreacher. “Where can I set her down?”

Kreacher led her to the fireplace as Dottie approached the trio, wiping her hands on the little apron tied around her waist.

“Miss Kara,” she said, “I wasn’t expecting you until the end of the week! Isn’t it a bit early for--”

“Dottie!” Kara loudly cut her off, “My, er, friend Lena needs help.”

A conjured arm chair appeared next to them, and Kara - as gently as possible - lowered Lena onto it.

“You can leave now,” Lena said, but Kara just folded her arms across her chest and looked on as Dottie got to work. Again, she noticed as Lena visibly winced and pulled away every time Dottie reached out to touch her. And Dottie, bless her heart, noticed too, resorting to doing as much of her healing magic without touching Lena. And that only made Kara angrier.

“She should go straight to bed,” Dottie finally said, “But maybe you and your friend can stay here for a while. We can make sure she’s feeling better before apparating again.” With a click of her fingers, another armchair appeared and Dottie tottered away from them. Kara sank into the chair, the time and exhaustion finally catching up with her. And perhaps it was because of how tired she was, but she turned to Lena and said,

“The least you could do is be grateful, you know.” She stared into the flames, watching the red and yellow dance before her. She refused to look at Lena, though she could imagine the look on her face. Her stupidly perfect, smug face.

“What, because you dragged me here against my will?”

“Not to me, you fool. To Dottie. To Kreacher. I saw the way you couldn’t even stand to be touched by them, even when they were saving your life. Do they disgust you that much?”

Lena remained silent, her eyes, like Kara’s trained at the flames.

“All you blood purists are the same,” Kara continued, her voice dripping with loathing. “You don’t think anybody other than inbred, racist, assholes deserve to use magic, and---”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Lena finally threw back, straightening in her chair. “You don’t know me, you  _ don’t _ understand me, and you have no idea how wrong you are.”

“Wrong??” Kara sputtered indignantly. “I saw it happen! I was watching you the whole bloody time!”

“Well sometimes things aren’t as simple as they seem! You of all people--” she stopped short.

Kara’s eyes narrowed. “Me of all people should what?”

“Nothing,” Lena sighed. “Can you ask one of the… can you ask Dottie to take me to the common room please? I’m tired, and we have double Potions first thing in the morning.”

By the time they got back to the common room, Kara laden with snacks and Lena with a comically large cup of tea, the flames in the fireplace had burned down to nothing but embers, and a chill settled over them both, the type of cold only 3am can bring. As they stood in silence, Kara wondered if Lena was thinking the same thing she was: 

_ I wish there were more Ravenclaw girls in our year. _

It wasn’t unheard of for there to be only two girls in a year, but that didn’t make it any less awkward for Lena and Kara. Not only were they sworn enemies, they were roommates with no buffer to keep them from butting heads. Lena slowly made her way up the stairs, and Kara followed closely behind, trying to seem nonchalant and uncaring, though definitely making sure Lena didn’t fall or slip. 

_ That’s just what I need,  _ she thought, as she watched Lena’s curvy figure climbing the stairs ahead of her.  _ For Luthor to fall back on me and kill us both.  _ And as they reached their dormitory, though the imminent danger of the stairs had passed, Kara found that she still couldn’t tear her eyes away from Lena as they puttered around the room, finally looking away in haste as Lena began to take off her clothes and put on her pyjamas. Eventually (after storing her food in all the best hiding places) Kara fell into bed, overtired and ready for sleep. She could hear the sounds of pain coming from Lena’s side of the room, the huffing and hissing every time she moved in a way that disagreed with her body. Kara wondered if she should offer help, and came on the verge of voicing her concerns several times. But each time, the words died on her lips, unable to break the silence that had settled between them.

As they lay in the darkness, Kara’s mind drifted, as it often did, back to her exchanges with Lena in the kitchen. Did Lena really think Kara didn’t know her? Sometimes Kara felt like she knew Lena better than she knew almost anybody else at Hogwarts, except for maybe Alex. But even then, this was Kara’s first year at Hogwarts without Alex, and a strange melancholy fell on her as she realised that maybe Lena was one of the more important people in her life. Not in the same way her friends were important; Teddy, Winn, Nia and Lucy were the best thing about Hogwarts now that Alex had graduated, and they kept Kara out of trouble and kept her life filled with love and lighthearted adventure. 

But Lena’s importance… it felt different. They barely spoke outside of derisive comments and pointed insults. Their classes often devolved into argumentative debates over the most benign issues raised by teachers, each needing to prove the other wrong. The thing about Lena was that, as much as Kara hated to admit it, she valued her opinion and judgement more than almost anybody else’s. They spent too much time together, between every class they shared and sleeping in the same dormitory. And the feelings of annoyance and hatred that Kara usually convinced herself of felt as though they were changing into something… more. Something different, perhaps. 

“You know that thing you said earlier tonight?” Kara asked into the darkness, unsure if Lena was even still awake, and then grinning when she heard Lena’s tired, annoyed sigh. She never missed an opportunity to ignore Lena.

“You’re going to have to be just a bit more specific,” she replied.

“Right. That thing you said, that I don’t know anything about you.”

For a moment, she waited for a response, but it didn’t come. She continued anyway.

“I know  _ some _ things about you, Luthor.”

“Pfft. Yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. You know my last name, and that the Luthors are evil and I must be just like them, as well. I’ve heard it all before. No need to rehash it all just for my benefit.”

Kara didn’t answer her right away, because even though, yeah, she’d always thought those things about Lena and the Luthors, the sadness in Lena’s voice made her feel like maybe she’d been wrong, maybe there was a depth to her that Kara hadn’t considered before. And just when enough time had passed, when Lena thought that maybe for once Kara didn’t have a comeback, Kara spoke again.

“I know you’re smart,” she said softly, and then she was unable to stop. “Like, genius levels of smart without even trying. And you’re wickedly funny, so much so that an annoying amount of my time is spent trying not to laugh at your jokes. I know you hate butterbeer which honestly I think might make you a sociopath because who the hell doesn’t like butterbeer?? Your eyes… well, I reckon your eyes look greener when we’re in the herbology greenhouse which is always a nice surprise. 

“And you’re kind. Not to everyone. Not to me, obviously,” Lena gave a small laugh, and Kara smiled at the sound of it. “But… you’re kind to the people who are in desperate need of it. People who don’t get kindness from many others. People who appreciate it more than other people would.”

“What’s your point?” Lena replied curtly, and Kara laughed loudly at the most Lena response she’d ever heard.

“My point is I know things about you. Maybe not things you’ve told me or things worth knowing but. I know you.”

Without waiting for a response, Kara rolled over and drifted off to what was destined to be a very short sleep. 

Lena, on the other hand, lay awake for much too long. The thought of Kara looking at her, of being seen by her and  _ known _ by her churned deep within Lena in a not untolerable sort of way, in a way that scared her more than anything else. As Kara’s snores drifted across the room, Lena rolled over to face where she knew Kara lay asleep, ignoring the pain that seared through her midriff, ignoring the heaviness that settled in her heart, and into the night she whispered,

“Goodnight, Kara.”

/// 

Lena was gone by the time Kara woke the next morning, her bed neatly made and her pyjamas folded and placed perfectly on her pillow. There was no sign at all that the previous night had taken place, except for the nervous tension in the pit of Kara’s stomach at the thought of seeing Lena.

Well. That was new.

She got dressed slowly, taking her time and trying to control the way her heart beat anxiously in her chest. The room smelled overwhelmingly like Lena’s perfume, and it was driving Kara crazy. By the time she made her way down to breakfast, she was exhausted and very much ready for the day to be over already. But instead, she had to mentally prepare herself for double potions with Professor Slughorn, who, despite being a very talented wizard, was getting on in years and Kara found it hard to focus on the bits of information he fed them in amongst his long rants. 

She settled down at a table beside Nia, who was shoveling food into her mouth at a speed that was impressive even to Kara. Kara poured herself a pumpkin juice, unable to stomach anything heavier. As she took a sip, she caught a glimpse of Lena a few tables away. Their eyes locked and Lena nodded her head in acknowledgement and Kara felt her cheeks heat up in an embarrassing, horrific way. She ducked her head, and focused on the empty plate in front of her.

“What’s wrong with you?” Nia asked, swallowing a huge mouthful of food. “Are you sick or something? There’s not a scrap of food on your plate.”

“Had a late night,” Kara replied vaguely, praying that Lena had looked away from her direction. She hesitated for a moment before looking back up, and was shocked to find herself disappointed that Lena had left the table altogether.

“Okay,” she murmured, turning to Nia. “Something really weird happened last night. Lena and I like… talked. To each other.”

“Did she say something shitty to you?” Nia asked. “Is that why you’re not eating?”

Kara didn’t know how to explain the butterflies that were preventing her from eating to her friend. “I just… it was nothing bad. I had to take her down to the kitchens and at first it was awkward and I kind of had a go at her but then… I don’t know. I got annoyed when she said I don’t know anything about her and I....”

She trailed off, knowing she wasn’t making any sense. How could she possibly explain it to Nia, the shift in her feelings that she could barely explain to herself? There was no way she could  _ like  _ her… was there? It was so sudden, it made no sense. She couldn’t go from hating Lena’s guts to liking her all in the space of a night? Unless, well, maybe she had always sort of felt this way? Shit. The only other time she recalled feeling the same way was back when her and James had tried their hand at dating, and even that didn’t feel as strong as the way she felt for Lena.

Anxiety built up quicker than she could manage, her heart lodging itself in her throat and her palms getting oddly sweaty. She didn’t even excuse herself from the table, instead she gathered her bag and practically sprinted to the owlery.

_ Alex _ , she scribbled on a piece of scrap parchment, puffing and out of breath,  _ I need to talk to you. Things are weird. I feel weird. Need your advice. Not like, life threatening or anything. But. Sorry this is so vague but I can’t explain it in words. Any chance you’re coming to Hogsmeade any time soon? Our next visit is next Saturday. - K. _

Satisfied that she had conveyed the urgency of the matter, she rolled it up and tied it to her owl, Socrates.

“Take it to Alex, buddy,” she whispered as Socrates flew off into the bright morning sky. And then she decided to do something she hadn’t done in a long time.

She skipped class.

The thought of having to sit at the same workstation as Lena for two periods in a row was usually torture, and now, with the way her body felt like it was imploding, Kara didn’t think she’d survive it. Instead, grabbing some of her stashed snacks from her dorm, she headed down to the lake and stared out over the water. As though the giant squid could sense she was there, a tentacle peeked out at the water’s edge, as though waving at her. She had somehow befriended it years ago, and she smiled as she threw a scone into the water, knowing that the massive creature had a soft spot for baked goods.

“Hey, loser,” a voice yelled into her ear, trying to startle her, but Kara was used to the antics of Teddy Lupin. 

“‘Lo, Ted,” Kara said morosely. “And why are you skipping class on this average Tuesday morning?”

“Just finished setting up a glorious prank,” Teddy replied with a wicked grin. “You seem grumpier than usual. That time of the month already?”

Kara rolled her eyes. “I’m just… contemplative. Got a lot on my mind.”

“You?” Teddy replied incredulously. He lay beside Kara, running his hands through the grass. “Having brain activity? A refreshing change of pace, then.”

“Oh, shove off.”

He laughed. “Well are you going to tell me what’s on your mind or am I going to have to annoy it out of you?”

“Have you ever thought someone was horrible, but then suddenly… I don’t know, things change? Something weird happens and in a moment they stop being annoying and rage-inducing and instead you’re left wondering why you’ve been wasting so much time hating them?”

“I guess,” Teddy answered. “Sort of like how I used to hate Victoire, but now I-” he wiggled his eyebrows in lieu of finishing his sentence. “Who have you decided to snog then?”

She hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out how to best frame her thoughts.

“Why do we hate Lena Luthor?”

Teddy sat up, staring at her in shock. “You want to snog Lena Luthor??”   
  


“No!” Kara answered all too quickly. “Just because  _ you  _ want to get into Victoire’s pants doesn’t mean we’re all thinking about snogging someone! I just… why do we hate her?” 

“Why do we hate a blood purist? Because, I don’t know, she’s a blood purist?”

“But how do we know that? Her mother’s a piece of work, and her brother is positively awful, but other than having the misfortune of sharing their blood, is she really that bad?”

“Yeah, because she’s also uptight, rude, got a superiority complex bigger than Bulgaria, and has tried to get you expelled at least twice.”

“But I mean, we do antagonise her. And the reason this whole thing started feels downright silly.”

“You mean when her first response to being sorted into Ravenclaw was ‘at least it’s not Hufflepuff’ and you got so mad you yelled at her in the middle of the feast? Because she’s been looking down at us from her ivory tower for literally the entire time we’ve known her?”

“She was eleven at the time! If we got judged on everything we said when we were eleven-”

“Why are you even thinking about this?” Teddy demanded. “We. Hate. Lena Luthor. Is this what Nia meant when she said you were being weird at breakfast?”

Kara rolled her eyes. “Of course Nia spoke to you--”

“Has she found out the secret or something? Is she blackmailing you?”

“Not at all!” Kara responded indignantly. “I don’t understand why you’re so thrown by the whole idea that Lena might not be evil.”

“Because people like her are bad news for people like us,” he said slowly. “Yesterday, Lex Luthor announced plans to reintroduce anti-werewolf legislation into the ministry AND new legislation that monitors the movements of all “subhuman” magical species. Yesterday, Kara. And it’s not the first blood purist legislation he’s tried, and it won’t be the last. And people like it. This stuff, this is what was going on when our parents died, and this is what they died to stop. And now you’re trying to, what, befriend Lena Luthor?”

“Because she’s not her brother! And we’re not our parents!”

“She’s as good as!”

Kara stood and towered over Teddy, glowering down at him, and trying to suppress the urge to kick him. Usually they saw eye to eye on everything; why couldn’t he just  _ get  _ this??

“What’s gotten into you?” he asked, genuine concern in his eyes.

“Nothing,” Kara muttered. “I’ve got to go, can’t miss more than one class.”

She knew she’d be safe in Care of Magical Creatures, the only class she didn’t share with Lena. Nothing to distract her from spending quality time with the thestrals they were studying, and nothing to upset her stomach even more. And then she could avoid her at lunch. And arrive fashionably late to both Runes and Transfiguration and sit in the very back of the room, far away from Lena’s usual seat at the front. Easy. Too easy.

///

Lena wasn’t in the Great Hall at lunch, nor was she there at dinner. And, like Kara, she had decided to skip class, too, getting marked absent in Runes and Transfiguration. Kara knew she had been in the dorms at some point, because perfectly written notes from her missed potions class were laying on her pillow when she arrived back during after spending most of the night in the library.

So they wrote notes for each other now. Okay.

Kara whipped out her wand and duplicated her notes from the classes Lena had missed, placing them on Lena’s bed. Her writing was significantly more messy than Lena’s, but Kara assumed she’d be able to work it out. And now Kara didn’t owe her anything. She lay awake all night, waiting for Lena to return from wherever it was she had disappeared to. But eventually, the late hour won and Kara drifted off to sleep with odd dreams of her and Lena flying around the castle together on matching broomsticks.

When she awoke the next morning, Lena wasn’t there. She had been, though; Kara noticed that the notes she had left had been moved to the small desk beside Lena’s bed. An unpleasant thought crossed her mind: what if Lena was avoiding her? Obviously, she was doing the same thing, but for some reason the thought made her stomach hurt much like it had when she caught glimpses of Lena the previous day. 

“Feeling better?” Nia asked as Kara plopped down at the table beside her. 

“Not really,” Kara said. “But I’ll get over it.”

“Teddy told me what happened,” Nia said. “For what it’s worth, I think I’m on your side.”

“Thank you!” Kara exclaimed with relief; she had felt crazy after talking to Teddy, and now she felt significantly less so.

“I still think you should be careful,” Nia said cautiously. “We’ve known Lena for almost six years, and she’s only ever antagonised us. But if you think she’s changed, or we misjudged her, or whatever… I trust your judgement.”

“I don’t know what I think,” Kara replied truthfully. “All I know is that my entire existence relies on people looking past my, y’know,  _ condition _ , look past the things I can’t control about myself and see who I really am. And if I can’t afford people that same decency, well then, how can I expect to receive it in return?”

It was like a lightbulb went off in Kara’s head, flooding her with even more relief. It wasn’t that she  _ liked  _ Lena, not at all, she just felt a moral obligation to give her the benefit of the doubt, based on her own particular set of circumstances and existence! Yes, that made so much sense! It meant she didn’t like Lena. She didn’t like Lena. She couldn’t like Lena. There was no way she liked Lena Luthor.

“Gotta run,” Kara said to Nia. “I have to send an owl before class.”

Ignoring the annoyed look on Nia’s face, Kara leaves the table and sprints from the Great Hall. 

“Slow down, Danvers!” Professor Longbottom called out as Kara ran passed him.

“Sorry, Prof-” Kara got cut off as she tumbled into someone rounding the corner, and fell on top of them. Her heart lurched at the green eyes that looked up at her.

“Lena,” Kara breathed, trying to ignore the way her heart raced and the feeling in the pit of her stomach that made her feel as though she were about to be sick.

“Kara,” Lena gasped, and Kara hopped up as quickly as she could. She offered Lena a hand and Lena took it gingerly. Kara yanked her up, so she was also standing.

Lena gasped again, but this time it was accompanied by a grimace. Kara’s eyes narrowed.

“You’re hurt again,” she accused.

“Yeah,” Lena replied, rolling her eyes. “Because some giant oaf just body slammed me into the stone floor.”

“I don’t believe you. You’re up to something. You’re avoiding me.” 

Lena raised an eyebrow, and Kara felt her stomach drop; she hadn’t meant to say that last part.

“I’m avoiding you? Unlike you, most of us spend our days doing things other than thinking about Kara Danvers.”

“I don’t always think about myself,” Kara replied, brow furrowed. And then in a smaller voice she added, “Do you really think I’m that conceited?” 

“I’m not-” Lena huffed, annoyed, partly at herself and partly at Kara. “I don’t think that. I apologise. I’m just running late, is all.”

“Well, I’ll see you in Defence Against the Dark Arts, then?” 

“See you then,” Lena responded, somewhat unsure of how the conversation had gotten to Kara clearly caring about what she thought of her. Before Kara took off into a sprint again, Lena lay a hand on her arm, hesitating before speaking.

“I’m not avoiding you, Kara. I promise.”

Kara smiled, but before she could respond, Lena was gone. She looked down at her arm, where Lena had touched her, her skin still tingling from the contact. The smile fell from her face as she caught a glimpse of her watch face. Was that the time already??? She was late to class. Deciding the letter could wait until later, she ran to Care of Magical Creatures, thinking of Lena the whole way there.

///

Lena didn’t show up to Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Kara tried not to worry, deciding that Lena probably just got caught up in the library or asking Professor Vector several unnecessary annoying questions.

But then she never turned up for lunch or Charms or Herbology, and by the time Kara made it back to the common room after dinner, the seed of worry that had planted in her earlier had fully sprouted into full blown panic and fear. Her homework ignored, she searched the castle, looking for Lena in every classroom, every hiding spot she could think of. 

She was nowhere to be found.

And when she finally returned to the empty common room, empty-handed and close to tears, she wondered if the house elves would leave whatever they were doing and help her do a full sweep of all the grounds. But before she could summon Kreacher, the door flew open and Lena managed to tumble inside. Kara wanted to be angry at her, but she couldn’t she just couldn’t. What she felt instead was intense relief at the sight of Lena, followed by concern at the way she leant against the doorframe for support.

“Luthor? You okay?” Kara asked. Lena looked up at her, and opened her mouth to speak.

She crumpled to the floor, instead.

“Lena!” Kara gasped, rushing to her side. She hoisted her into her arms, cradling her head in the nook of one arm, her legs in the other. Briefly, she considered carrying her all the way up to their dorm, before deciding against it and depositing her on one of the couches, kneeling down beside her, her knees on the hardwood floors.

“Krea-” 

“No,” Lena croaked. “Dittany. I need my dittany.”

Kara pulled her wand from her back pocket and pointed it towards the stairs.

“ _ Accio dittany! _ ” she said, and held her hand out until the small bottle whizzed down the stairs and slammed against her palm. 

“Just a couple of drops,” Lena instructed, lifting up her shirt. Kara gulped involuntarily, looking past the soft, white skin of Lena’s stomach and focusing instead on the deep gash on her side.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Kara asked as she unstoppered the bottle and did as she was told. Almost instantly, the wound began to close and Lena hissed in pain. Kara had to fight the strange urge to brush Lena’s hair out of her face. She stayed there, kneeling by Lena’s side for a lot longer than either of them were willing to acknowledge. Eventually, Lena’s breathing evened out, the pain began to subside, and Kara let go of the breath she had been holding onto.

“Lena,” she said softly, urgently. “You need to tell me what’s going. If you’re in some sort of danger, I can help, we can figure something out. But - god, I sound so stupid saying this. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m… I’m fine.”

Kara laughed a humourless laugh. “Please don’t insult my intelligence.”

“I know what I’m doing. And it’s very kind of you to be…  _ worried _ ,” she said as though it were a dirty word. “But I’m fine.”

“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m taking you straight to Madam Pomfrey and I’ll make her wake up Professor Flitwick. This - whatever’s going on - it’s not normal.”

“I can’t go to Madam Pomfrey,” Lena said for what felt like the thousandth time. 

“But she can hel--”

“Do you know what happens if you go to Madam Pomfrey for anything? And I mean  _ anything _ \- a headache, a broken nail, anything. She sends an owl home to your parents, detailing what treatment you got and if there’s any recovery time. It’s school policy.”

“Okay?”

Lena took a deep breath. “I can’t have anything get sent home, Kara. Because then my mother will add it to her tally of things I’ve done wrong and hold it over my head for the rest of my life, along with every other time I’ve caused her the slightest of inconvenience.”

“But… she’s your mum… surely she wants you to get the help you need?”

“And admit that Luthors are anything less than perfect? I’ve already provided enough disappointment for a lifetime by being in Ravenclaw, no, by being  _ alive _ , and I was warned very early on that any more disappointment would not be tolerated.”

“But this is your health. Surely--”

Lena laughed softly, but it did little to hide the pain that shone so brightly from her eyes. “You don’t get it, do you? What it’s like to be a Luthor? The only thing my mother cares about is making sure we present as the perfect family.” She took a deep breath. Kara wasn’t sure what she was going to say next, but something in the room had shifted between them and made way for the secrets each girl held onto dearly. Kara didn’t know what would be said, she just had a feeling it might change things forever.

“You don’t know what it’s like,” Lena finally continued, fighting to keep the tears at bay, “to have to fight against every instinct you’ve ever been taught. I try. I try so fucking hard to be good. I help first years with their homework and I volunteer to clean up the potions dungeons every Sunday night. And I don’t mean to be such a bitch to you but I always end up putting my foot in my mouth in some way or another. Do you think I didn’t feel terrible for flinching when the house elves were helping me? Or any time my Luthor genes kick in? I wish I had different instincts, I really do. But you have no idea how hard it is to learn how to be a good person. Why would you? You grew up with kindness, your parents instilled it in you. They taught you how to be selfless and patient and all of that. All I learnt from my mother was cunning and prejudice.” 

“Being good is hard,” Kara conceded. “I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, obviously, but I know how hard it is for me to be seen as this “good” person… when it feels like who I am on the inside is anything but. Like if people knew the… the real me… how can you be good when who you are is inherently not?”

Kara’s secret balanced on the edge of her tongue, and for a moment, she wasn’t sure if she would reveal it or not. A thing that only her closest friends and family knew about, and she was ready to tell it to her mortal enemy who no longer felt quite so enemy-like. She stared down at Lena’s big, inquisitive,  _ kind  _ eyes, and somehow knew that she was safe with her. That they weren’t enemies, perhaps. But something different. Something undefined. Something new.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Kara whispered, brushing the hair away from Lena’s face. 

“Kara,” Lena breathed, trying to search for answers in her eyes. But Kara refused to meet her gaze. Instead, she took Lena’s hands, and placed them around her neck. She hooked one arm under Lena’s legs and the other around her shoulders, and slowly she stood up with Lena in her arms and finally looked down at her.

“I might not know what you’re doing to yourself,” she whispered, “or why you’re doing it. But you have to stop getting hurt somehow. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if something happened to you.”

“Probably finally come top of the class in charms,” Lena quipped, and Kara laughed in reply.

“Just. Promise me you’ll try and stay safe? Or, if you can’t promise that, promise that you’ll let me help you.”

Lena nodded her head, and it was enough for Kara, at least for the time being. Slowly, she walked up the stairs to their dormitory, careful not to hit Lena against the stone walls. Kara managed to open the door without jostling her too much, and lay Lena down as gently as she could. She hovered by her side for just a moment, as though there was more for her to say or do. And then somehow, she summoned every ounce of bravery and courage that her body held. She leant down, her eyes never leaving Lena’s and she paused. Their lips were so close, Kara could feel short tufts of air on her as Lena’s haggard breath left her mouth. And just as Kara leaned down a little further, just as their lips almost met--

A loud crack interrupted them. Kara jumped back, and Lena hissed as she sat up straight in bed.

“Kreacher!” Kara exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Did Miss forget? It is tonight! You must hurry!!”

“Oh, bugger,” Kara muttered. Why tonight?? Goddamnit.

“Everything okay?” Lena asked as Kreacher grabbed ahold of her arm.

“I’ve gotta run, I’ve got, er, detention in the kitchens. I’ll be back--”

_ Crack. _

Lena was left alone in their bedroom.

///

“Take this RIGHT NOW!” croaked Dottie, shoving a small capsule in Kara’s mouth as soon as she apparated into the room. “What were you thinking, you silly child???”

“I’m sorry,” Kara said as her robes began to feel uncomfortably tight. Pain shot through her body, from her jaw all the way down to her feet. She should be used to it already, but it never got any easier.

“Come down near the ovens, they will keep you warm.”

“And hidden,” Kara added, her voice getting raspier and deeper.

And then before she knew it, she had achieved her final form. She caught sight of herself in one of the recently cleaned pots that hung on the wall and sighed, though it came out a sort of strangled whine. Did her snout really look like that?

Being a werewolf really sucked.

Wolfsbane had come a long way in the twenty or so years since its invention. Condensed down to capsule form and tweaked to keep the transformation down to midnight on the first day of the full moon until the break of dawn on the last day. It also improved recovery time and cognitive function whilst in wolf form. It meant that Kara could hide out in the backs of the school kitchen once a month and get fed and even read some of her notes if she felt like it. It meant that, as long as she took the Wolfsbane capsules once a day for the week before her transformation and one day after it, she didn’t pose a harm to anybody. It meant she had an almost normal life. 

Almost normal.

Despite the revolutionary potion, the stigma held against werewolves remained strong, becoming more and more convoluted despite what the research showed. People scared of being lured in by an “evil” infected person. Scared that the Wolfsbane gave people their wolf abilities for the entire month, that it was creating a strong army that would rebel at any moment. 

_ What a load of shit, _ Alex always said, though it seldom made Kara feel any better. Goons like Lex Luthor had large swathes of the wizarding community eating out of his hand with his fringe theories. Kara was just thankful that Minister Granger was adamant at keeping anti-discrimination laws in place.

Gnawing on a bone that Dottie had given her, Kara thought about what had just happened with Lena. They had been about to kiss.  _ They had been about to kiss!  _ Which was crazy, because Kara had already deduced that she did  _ not  _ have feelings for Lena Luthor. So then why did every moment between the two of them feel like, well, magic? Why did it always feel like her stomach was filled with a particularly aggressive blast ended skrewt whenever Lena was around or crossed her mind in any way? 

Is that what love was? An anxious feeling that felt overwhelmingly fantastic and utterly terrifying all at the same time? The feeling that she might die if she weren’t near Lena, but so desperately on edge any time they were in the same vicinity?

Because how was she supposed to breathe or function or exist if Lena Luthor wasn’t kissing her at all times???

_ Oh. Okay. That thought was new. _

Maybe… just maybe… 

She sighed.

_ Maybe I like Lena Luthor,  _ she begrudgingly thought.

She knew what Alex would say. Alex would call her a fool for even entertaining the thought. That a Luthor wouldn’t be caught dead shacking up with a blood traitor Danvers, and then on top of that, a werewolf?? Absurd.

But Lena… Lena wasn’t like any of the Death Eater-associated people Kara had met before. She wasn’t filled with hatred. Spite. Maybe, and even then, it was only sometimes. But not hatred. Kara didn’t like the flood of emotions she was faced with. She hated feeling as though she wasn’t in control and nothing made her feel quite as powerless as Lena did.

Kara had never hated her werewolfism as much as she hated it in that moment. She had been about to kiss Lena Luthor. And instead, she was stuck as a damn wolf for two days. Lena would probably assume Kara was avoiding her, too; that’s usually how their little game went. She wished she could send her a message somehow, send one with a friend if they came to visit. But as great as Wolfsbane was, she still couldn’t speak, at least, not in a way that could be comprehended by human ears.

She hoped that it wouldn’t be too late to smooth things over with Lena by the time she was back in her regular form. 

At least she had time to come up with an excuse.

///

Kara was exhausted. Her transformation always took it out of her, but for some reason it felt worse than usual. She trudged back to the dormitory as sunlight began to flood the castle, rubbing her weary eyes. She was excited to shower and wash away the remnants of the full moon that lingered. Lena was usually asleep when Kara returned, and she’d quickly mastered the art of sneaking into their room and grabbing her towel without disturbing her. Easy as pie.

Except Lena was awake, dressed and waiting when Kara silently opened the door.

“Oh,” she said, slightly startled. “Good morning.”

“Hey,” Lena replied. She had dark circles under her eyes, almost as if she hadn’t slept in a couple of days. “Good morning.”

Kara hovered in the doorway, unsure what to do or say.

Finally, Lena offered a follow up, “How are you feeling?”

Kara’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “I’m fine. How are you?”

“Tired,” Lena smiled. “I left class notes on your pillow that outline everything you’ve missed. How was, uh, your kitchen detention?”

“It was fine,” Kara said, feeling astronomically stupid. “Weird that we haven’t overlapped at all in the last couple of days.”

“Yeah,” Lena said, her lips twitching as she held back a smile. “Super strange.” She stared at Kara, as though she were waiting for her to say more, as though she knew that there was more to the story. Kara averted her gaze, unable to bear the way Lena managed to stare straight through every wall she’d put up, unable to bear the way it made her pulse race. Kara wondered if she should say something about the previous night, or whether she should wait for Lena to bring it up. What were the rules when it came to things like this? God, she wished Alex had answered her owl. 

“Well then,” Lena relented. “I think I’m going to go on my morning walk.” 

She crossed the room, closing the gap between her and Kara. And then - much too slowly - she brushed past her as she left the room, the contact leaving Kara’s body electrified and on edge. 

So they weren’t going to talk about it then. Maybe that was for the best, Kara thought. Maybe give it some time and see if things settle down and bring it up later. That way they wouldn’t do anything impulsive.

One shower - and several daydreams that heavily featured Lena Luthor - later, Kara made her way down to the Great Hall, absolutely famished and ready for a huge breakfast. As she made her way to the Ravenclaw table, she spotted a familiar face chatting with Professor Slughorn.

“Alex!” Kara called out, a huge grin on her face and her hand waving so hard and fast it looked as though she didn’t have any bones in her arm. Alex returned the sentiment, albeit with a much smaller smile and a subtler wave. Alex excused herself from the conversation and walked to Kara.

“I didn’t know you were coming to visit!” Kara exclaimed, throwing her arms around her.

“I had to get a couple of statements in Hogsmeade for this case I’m working,” Alex replied, slightly breathless as Kara squeezed her tightly. “Thought I’d pop in this morning before I head home.” Alex was training to be an auror; top of her class and already interning for the Ministry, it was as though she was born for the job. “So what’s this urgent thing you needed to discuss?”

“It’s, uh, it’s complicated. Can we go somewhere a little more private to talk?”

“Of course,” Alex said, immediately concerned and attentive. Kara hadn’t realised how much she missed having her sister at school with her. Maybe it was selfish, but she missed the comfort of knowing Alex was always there to listen to her problems and give her a hug when she needed it.

Kara smiled. “Let me just make up a plate; I’m hungry as a wolf.”

///

“Okay,” Alex said. “Shoot.” They sat by the lake in Kara’s usual spot. It was empty of students; first period had started ten minutes prior. Kara stared out over the lake, unsure where to begin, and unable to face Alex head on.

“Right. So.” She hesitated. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Take your time,” Alex said.

“I. Um. I. You know Lena Luthor, right?”

Alex laughed. “Do I know your arch nemesis whom you cannot stand? I think you’ve mentioned her once or twice.”

Kara took a breath. “Things have… changed.”

Alex was careful, not pushing or bombarding her with questions. She was letting her take her time, and Kara was grateful. Kara, however, couldn’t bring herself to continue.

“What’s changed?” Alex said eventually, her voice so soft and compassionate that Kara felt as though she were about to burst into tears at the sound of it.

“I think… Alex, I think I like her. Like, more than a friend sorta like her. I just… I feel sick constantly, like, all the time. And it was like this switch just went off in my head. Like, we were getting along for some reason and then it’s just like a -a --”

“Like a switch went off in your head and then all of a sudden everything made sense? And you can’t figure out how you’d lived without realising this sooner because nothing’s ever really felt as right as admitting those feelings to yourself?”

Kara was gobsmacked. “Yeah. Exactly that.”

Alex paused for a moment, smiling at a joke Kara didn’t yet understand. “Do you remember that girl in my Aurors’ course I was telling you about? The one who would beat me to every good case and hassled me in class when I said  _ anything _ ?”

“Yeah you hate her….” Something dawned on Kara. “... You don’t hate her anymore, do you?”

“Her name’s Maggie. We’ve been dating for five months. I came to Hogsmeade to meet her aunty.”

“Alex, that’s fantastic!”

“I was going to tell you,” Alex said, worriedly. “When you came home for Easter break. It wasn’t the sort of thing I could just write in a letter and I didn’t want-”

Kara cut her off, putting a comforting hand on her arm. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I know how hard it is to admit it to yourself, let alone the world.”

“So you and Luthor, huh?”

Kara shook her head. “I’m scared of… well, everything. The Luthors are… they’re the Luthors, Alex. And I’m not just a Danvers, I’m a Zorel Danvers. And I’m a werewolf. What pure blood parent wants someone like me dating their daughter?”

Alex pivoted around, so she was facing Kara and there was nowhere for her to look away. Alex did the thing she always did that made Kara feel like she was four years old again and scared of a thunderstorm crashing against the dark night skies: she took Kara’s face in her palms and she squeezed just ever so slightly.

“You would be a pleasure to welcome into any family, Kara Zorel Danvers. Your parents were heroes and if anybody wants to dispute that, well they can answer to me.”

“Really?”

Alex nodded solemnly. “You are a wonder, Kara Danvers.”

Alex wiped Kara’s sudden tears away with the pads of her thumbs.

“You know,” Kara said once she had calmed down a bit, and staring at the lake again. “I thought you’d take the news of me liking a Luthor a bit worse than this.”

Alex shrugged. “People aren’t their parents, no matter how hard their parents try. If you trust her, if you think she’s a good person, then that’s good enough for me.” 

“So I guess now I just ... tell her? How I feel? Is it that simple?” 

“I’m afraid so.”

///

She managed to hold it in for the rest of the day.

After Alex headed back to town, Kara made her way to class - late, obviously, but at least she went at all. Her mind was in overdrive thinking about what she should say to Lena. Should she recite a poem? A line from Pride and Prejudice maybe? Or should she go in for a kiss, swift and delicate and fine?

Lena wasn’t in class, and Kara was worried once again, worried that Lena was somewhere in the castle bleeding to death, just beyond the reach of her bottle of dittany. Her teachers grew more and more annoyed with her distracted behaviour, unable to sit still or pay attention. Professor Sprout evicted from the greenhouse, saying she was a danger to herself and others, and couldn’t handle the poisonous plants in the mood she was in.

Not that Kara cared, really.

She raced back to the dormitories, hoping - no, _praying_ - that Lena was there and okay. And there she was, sitting on her bed, rigid and upright, a look on her face that Kara couldn’t quite place.

If she had been paying more attention to literally anything else in the room - Lena’s packed trunk, the naked mattress, the civilian clothing - maybe she wouldn’t have said anything at all. But all Kara could focus on is the brilliant green of Lena’s eyes and the way they made her heart soar.

“I like you, Lena,” Kara stated matter-of-factly as she tumbled into the room. “I really like you. And it doesn’t make a lot of sense, considering our history. But it’s true. You’re… you’re brilliant and I’m sad that we spent so long taking the piss out of each other instead of being friends or… or whatever comes after that. And I don’t know if you feel the same way I do, but I know that you were about to kiss me last night, just as I was about to kiss you. And I would really love to kiss you, Lena. I don’t think I can breathe or exist or anything without having kissed at least once in my life. Then maybe I can finally know what it is about you that drives me absolutely mental. Because right now, the fact that it’s just the thought of you that can send me up the wall? That’s not fair.”

Lena didn’t respond. She stared at Kara with sad eyes, tears pooling and threatening to spill over.

“What is it?” Kara asked. “What’s wrong?”

Lena looked away pointedly, at the trunk that lay by her feet.

“Your trunk. Why is it packed?”

She didn’t answer.

“Why is your bed empty? Why are all your things gone? Lena?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Sorry?” Kara felt herself about to fall into a spiral. “Lena, what’s happening?”

“My mother,” Lena said, her voice strained. “She came to the school this morning.”

Kara could feel her heart sink in her chest. She felt as though she were drowning in the middle of Ravenclaw Tower.

“Why is she here?”

A beat.

“I’m moving to Beauxbatons. Effective immediately.”

“Lena,” is all she could manage to say, her voice impossibly small. 

“I’m sorry, Kara.” 

“You can’t go.” Her own tears mimicked Lena’s. “You can’t.”

“She’s waiting for me downstairs. She allowed me to wait for you. So I could say goodbye.”

“Will I- will I see you again?” She stopped. “I’m  _ going  _ to see you again. Right?”

The look on Lena’s face said it all. Oh. Okay. Kara collapsed onto her own bunk, suddenly feeling the weight of the past five minutes.

Lena bent down, and she slowly pressed a kiss on the top of Kara’s head, her nose brushing against her hair.

“Goodbye, Kara,” she whispered. And when Kara looked back up, she was gone, the ghost of her kiss still faint against her head.

She stared around the room, impossibly large with just her in it. 

The walls, the ones she had built to keep Lena out, began to fall. Ironic, really. That Kara would have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart that was never really satisfied in any way. How wickedly, ferociously unfair that was.

Lena was gone.

Kara was alone.

And then she started to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter - lhknox2  
> tumblr - murdershegoat


End file.
